The art of saying “no” and reinforcing boundaries in customer marketing

Have you ever felt that sinking feeling of guilt or failure when you couldn’t deliver on a request, even if it was totally unreasonable? 

Many of us in customer-facing roles find ourselves constantly plugged in, responding to requests at all hours, driven by a fear that our value might be questioned if we dare to say no. 

We’ve conditioned ourselves and our colleagues into a pattern of unhealthy "yes" behavior that ultimately leads to stress and burnout.

In this article, I’ll share my own journey of professional burnout, and the actionable steps I took – culminating in the strategic use of saying "no" – to redefine my value, set healthy boundaries, and finally achieve a balanced, fulfilling career. 

The endemic problem of always saying “yes”

Before leading the global customer and community marketing team at Grafana Labs, I spent seven years at Elastic. There, I was the first customer marketer, built the team, and developed some really bad behavioral habits.

Like many of you, I responded to requests after 10 p.m., accepted work commitments I didn't have time for, and felt terrible if I couldn't deliver, no matter how unreasonable the ask. We’ve all been there, and it happens because we let someone else – someone who often doesn't fully understand what we do – set our value. 

When the goalposts keep moving, we feel compelled to keep saying yes to constantly prove ourselves.

The real consequences of the “yes” currency

When "yes" becomes the currency of the realm, your phone, watch, and computer become constant companions. You're always plugged in, and your work life consumes your personal life. 

My brain was wired to believe I could (and must) deliver 100% on every ask, and fast.

Take the classic example: a salesperson slides into your DMs, needing a reference from a telecommunications company in a specific city, like Tulsa, Oklahoma. Your immediate, wired response is, "Yes, of course, we do, and we have a reference." Then you scramble. You research, you confirm they're a customer, you chase the account executive and CSM, and finally, you ask the customer. 

This whole process can take anywhere from one week (if you’re lucky) to five weeks (if you’re unlucky), all because our brains are so wired to this high-demand, high-delivery cycle.

For me, this manifested in an exhausting cycle: work never ended, so life never really began. I was never fully present outside of work, and I walked around professionally on edge, constantly wondering if I was doing enough.

The dangerous ratio of work-life balance

I even convinced myself my work-life balance was an acceptable 70/30 or 80/20 split in favor of work. While the pendulum will naturally swing over time, the problem is where we anchor ourselves. 

I was anchored so far on the work side that when a personal issue required me to shift to focus on that, I felt crushing guilt for leaving work. (It goes without saying that this kind of thought process shouldn’t be normalized.)

The wake-up call came one Friday night at 11 p.m. I was sitting on the couch, pulled out my laptop, and started working on a request. After half an hour, I finished, closed my laptop, and  I realized I was reinforcing unhealthy behaviors.

Understanding the framework of reinforcement

If you’re not au fait with the fundamental principle of behavior analysis, it looks a bit like this: Reinforcement is something that follows a behavior and increases the likelihood of that behavior occurring again.

The simple formula is: Behavior → Consequence → Result.

• Behavior: You participate in the audience poll.
• Consequence: You get chocolate. (A positive experience).
• Result: You are more likely to participate again in the future.

How we reinforce bad behavior at work

The same principle was at play in my work life, but with a deeply unhealthy twist that reinforced both the requester's bad behavior and my own:

This is why we keep doing it. We become addicted to that high – that artificial feeling of value from a colleague's "thank you." But what happens when that reinforcement stops? 

For me, my colleagues stopped saying thank you. They had become so conditioned that they just thought, "Oh, that's Daniel's job. He’s expected to be working at 11:30 at night." That's when I realized the reinforcement was gone, and something had to change.

Implementing small changes for a big transformation

Change is not easy. I knew I had an unhealthy relationship with my job for years, yet I couldn't change. However, when 2020 hit, the separation between work life and home life dissolved completely. 

This forced a decision:

1. Extreme status quo: Work all the time, 24/7.
2. Complete 180-degree change: Set hard boundaries overnight.
3. Small changes: A step-by-step approach.

I chose option three. The longer a learned behavior has been in place, the longer it takes to change. Trying to flip 180 degrees overnight almost guarantees failure, which makes you feel worse.

Defining work-you versus home-you

My first change was simple yet profound: I made a conscious effort to keep my computer at my designated desk. Before, any surface could be a workplace, meaning "Work Daniel" was plugged in everywhere.

By confining work to one spot, when I stood up and walked away, I became “Home Daniel.” Home Daniel has a very different set of priorities from Work Daniel. 

The next time a message came through at 11 p.m., Home Daniel was the one who read it, and Home Daniel was able to prioritize family time over an after-hours request.

Finding value beyond the screen

I also started walking every day. At first, it was for exercise, but I quickly realized I felt lighter – not just physically, but from the emotional and mental baggage I was letting go of. I was able to get lost in a book or a conversation. 

I discovered something that was more valuable and reinforcing to me than the "always on" artificial value: better mental and physical health.

• The salesperson who was happy to get a message at 11:30 p.m. was just as happy to get it at 8 a.m. the next morning. The lights at work stayed on.
• The lights at home got brighter. I was present for my wife and finally completed home projects I'd put off for eight years.

Finally, by being able to extract myself from the intensity, I realized the hard truth: I was burnt out. I had been revving my engine at 100% for six and a half years and couldn't see it until I stepped away.

Taking the leap: Setting new behaviors from the start

I knew the small changes wouldn't be enough. I needed to be in a situation where I could set both my own behavior and the expected behavior of my colleagues from the start. 

This led to my "big giant leap of faith" to join a new company, Grafana Labs, to build the customer and community marketing function from scratch.

I told the leadership the thing I was most excited about was that, while I didn't know everything to do, I sure as hell knew what not to do first. 

I was committed to setting better behavior from day one, because the earlier you set behavior, the longer success you'll have. This commitment was manifested in three major changes.

1. You must set your own value

We often make a big mistake. We successfully interview, define our value, and get the job. Then, on day one, we ask our new boss, "How would you like me to bring value?" We’ve just given away the power for which we were hired.

We, as customer marketers, are the ones who set our value. I break this down into three simple questions to ask myself daily:

1. Did I make an impact today?
2. Did I help make it easier for somebody to get from point A to point B faster today?
3. Am I trusted to do my job even if I'm not online all the time?

An impact can be a case study or a reference, but it can also be working with the enablement team so an SDR can be onboarded faster, or simply finding the right collateral for a sales rep. 

By defining your value this way, you can log off by the end of the day and say, "I made an impact today." Because you've set this value with leadership from the beginning, your trust will be reinforced, and they'll continue to trust you.

2. Establish clear boundaries

The next change is setting those boundaries. Ask yourself: Will responding at odd hours really make a difference?

If you've set your value as helping someone get from point A to point B faster, consider the 11 p.m. request. Do you think the salesperson is sending it to the customer then? No. Even if they did, the customer probably won't open the email until the next day, where it'll be buried.

If you wake up the next morning and respond at a normal time, the salesperson gets it at a normal time, sends it at a normal time, and the customer sees it when they're thinking about work. You've now helped them get from point A to point B faster simply by observing a healthy boundary.

Keep that balance, and find something at home that is more reinforcing than the artificial, "always grasping at straws" work value. For me, it was my mental health, my family time, and my hobbies.

3. "No" is your strategic new best friend

This is the final step, and it builds on everything else. Saying "no" strategically breaks down into three questions:

“Is this going to stop me from delivering value or making an impact on a project?”

Since you've set your own value (Change #1), if the answer to either is yes, then your answer is "no." But it's not "No, get the hell away from me." 

It’s "No, but can you help me understand how this is going to help you get from point A to point B faster?" This shifts you from being a vending machine of assets to a strategic partner and helps your internal customers think more strategically.

“Is what you are being asked to do unreasonable?”

Be honest with yourself about delivery time. If you always answer yes, if you're always revving at 100%, you will burn out, and then you're no good to anyone – at work or at home.

“Can what you are being asked to do actually be solved by something less than 100%?”

Let's go back to the telecommunications example. We know it takes five weeks to get a reference. So why did you say yes to begin with? You should say no, but then pivot to what is most important.

Is it the Tulsa, Oklahoma location, or the telecommunications industry? If you say, "We don't have Williams Telecommunications, but we have AT&T, T-Mobile, and British Telecom. Would one of those be okay for you?" Nine times out of ten, the salesperson will take it.

You've freed yourself from five weeks of guilt and chasing, and you've helped them get from point A to point B faster. Crucially, you've also taught them to pre-think what's most important to them for the next request.

Key takeaways for a healthier, happier you

The core lesson is this: behavior is learned, which means bad behavior can be unlearned.

If you focus on these three things, you will train your colleagues to ask better questions, which gives you more time and space to build your advocacy programs and tell more stories. You’ll show your leaders that you understand the trade-offs, and you'll start being viewed as more strategic within the business.

For anyone who manages people, by working with your team to help them say no, you're showing them you care about them as humans and don't want them to burn out.

Figure out what is truly important to you and prioritize behavior both at work and at home that will deliver those outcomes. My hope is that somewhere in this framework, you'll find the nugget that sets you on the way to being the happiest and healthiest version of yourself.